Sick

Image Credit:Flickr/ jovino  

I apologize for my absence, and I apologize for the fact that this post is probably not up to par. You won't leave here feeling informed, refreshed, or more knowledgeable about much of anything because I've spent the last week or so wondering if there is enough facial tissue in the world to collect all the stuff that's been coming out of my head and chest. Yep, sick. At first I thought it was just allergies or a reaction to the landfill fire that burned for over 2 weeks near my community; but in the end I think it was an evil intrusion of germs. While laying in bed and wondering how my family was faring in the rest of the house, I totally freaked myself out by watching all of Season 3 of the show 24 on Netflix. The whole season dealt with biological terrorism: the Counter-Terrorist Unit was trying to recover a huge vial of a weaponized virus. The bad guy planned to release it in cities all over the U.S. causing imminent death to millions of people. The first symptom of the virus was a bloody nose, and anyone who thought they were infected first wiped their nose. A drippy nose feeling caused person after person to wipe their nostrils looking for blood. My drippy nose got wiped about ten million times a day. Virus on TV, virus in my house...what if....AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!  Way to get paranoid about my runny nose, eh?

If I wasn't freaking out about potential bioterrorist occurrences in my nose, all I could think about was this British alternative comedy that I used to watch on MTV in the 1980's The Young Ones. One episode in particular kept running through my mind because I seriously went through like 800 boxes of tissues in about 2 days. Thank goodness trash day fell in the middle of my bout with the slime, or my house would be filled to the brim with dirty snot rags. It was that bad. But not as bad as the sick boys in The Young Ones. Check out their sickness in the clip if you can handle totally disgusting, very low-brow, and outrageously funny British humor (okay, it was outrageously funny when I was a punk rock girl in high school...not so sure about now! But it is exactly what went through my mind all this week. For real.)

I am happy to say that I am now able to sit upright, and I even showered a couple of times in the past 2 days! I ventured out of my house (just to buy more tissues, of course!) but I seem to be on the mend. Now I just need to make sure that my self-quarantine to the bedroom was effective. If my kids get the crud I only have one suggestion for all of you: BUY STOCK IN KLEENEX! For real. You'll make a killing.

If they don't get sick, they are in for a rude awakening. They will be cleaning up the messes they made all week by scrubbing, vacuuming and laundering everything (and I mean everything.) Why is it that common sense flies out the window and chores come to a grinding halt when Mom is down for the count? Have they not heard that hell hath no fury like a mom whose house has been messed up? No joke, they let it go to pots.  I am just thankful that the kids didn't try to give each other home tonsillectomies again...I never could've driven anyone to the ER without passing out.

And on a side note, let me just say that I am hooked on watching 24 now. A black president? A rich political backer who is black? Criminals who are white? Talk about defying TV's racial stereotypes! Season 3 really impressed me in that way (even though it got in my head...okay in my nose...for a while.)

Here's to your health! Wishing you all a happy, healthy summer.

In Your Dreams: Whoopi Goldberg Stand-Up Routine Remixed

Long before she was on The View, Whoopi Goldberg was an amazing stand-up comedian whose work always made me laugh and THINK. She somehow always had a way of using humor to stop me in my tracks and see things from another perspective. I admire the way she uses humor to make people stop and think, to question the status quo.

In her original Broadway show Whoopi Goldberg: Live on Broadway, she did a piece that really challenges people's perceptions about external appearances. Here is a young man's version of that piece that I found to be very powerful (thanks to my mom for sending it to me!)

If you never had the chance to see Whoopi's stand-up, you can check out one routine here from the revival of her 1985 Broadway show, Back to Broadway (warning: some swear words are used in this routine.)

Summer and the Mother's Curse

As a teacher, I really do get the best of both worlds. During the summer I am a stay-at-home mom and during the school year I work. After many years of this split life, I can tell you that while there are pluses and minuses to both lifestyles, one thing is constant: KIDS. As a mom/teacher, there is never any break from them. Little kids, big kids, tweens and teens: I am surrounded 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. I love my job, and I love my kids. But sometimes, I think I am losing my mind!

What is it about kids? Sometimes they say the most insightful, soulful things... and sometimes you wonder if there are any neurons actually firing in those brains.  Do you know what I mean? At times I feel completely and utterly insane! This summer I actually heard myself tell my children, "No one in this house should touch anyone else ever again!" Who says that? and actually means it? ME!!! That's who.

Whenever I thoroughly and completely begin to doubt my sanity, I think of  Bill Cosby's stand-up-routine-turned-movie: "Himself." A few weeks ago my husband checked the DVD out of the library for me in order to remind me that my our life is blessedly, laughably normal.


This clip from Cosby's routine beautifully illustrates the nature of my summer "vacation" (Yes, I had a conniption at least once a day. And my children are still not allowed to touch each other. ;-)

We are now one week into the school year. Summer is over and my days are now more reminiscent of Beavis and Butthead episodes (click the link for a glimpse of what life is like with teens in my classroom. I'm serious. Beavis and Butthead are alive and well in my classroom!)

Meanwhile, at home we are still having what I think of as "Cosby moments." Just the other night I told my daughter step by step what she needed to do to take a shower: get a towel, hang it on the towel rack, take off your clothes, turn on the water, get in the shower, and wash yourself.

However, I forgot to remind her to use soap. Did she use soap despite my lack of instruction? Of course not. Is it BRAIN DAMAGE??? Don't answer that.

All I can say is that I hope Bill Cosby is right when he says the mother's curse really does work. Many years from now I envision my daughter looking down into the innocent eyes of a wet but dirty child who is saying, "Well you didn't say I had to use soap!"